Dec.2008
My relationship has had its moments, of highs, lows & everything in between.... Like all things in life, nothing stays the same...
Gabe and I have been together for almost 7yrs now and wow, what a journey. In the beginning we spent every waking second together. Day in and day out...hibernating, watching movies, writing cards, leaving love notes on each others cars.... we did just about everything you could possibly imagine ...WE WERE MADLY IN LOVE ...commonly known as....drum roll please...."The Infactuation Phase"....and when I left the island for 3 months it was devastation on both ends.
I couldn't take it, I missed him so much, So, I came back & moved in with him and the intensity grew stronger. He gave me all his love and attention...& 3 1/2yrs later out came a baby boy...
Time passed & it all started to phase off and he wanted to be more socialble...hang with friends, party, drink, work nights @ the luau...I had an internal shock. I didn't understand why??...all of a sudden all the sacred time we spent gone???? no more all his attention what???...it was if I were all alone again...isolation... I freaked out....i really didn't understand how do deal with it....and the messages I got internally were I wasn't loveable, or he doesn't love me anymore, i am not worthy of his attention....
So in turn, I began to act in manipulative ways.
I didn't know...how to reassure myself. how to love myself,
how to stay calm and just go with the flow.
I began acting controlling, clingy, needy, & interogating him, as if was the boss of him! My jealously hid behind a cool demanor ...i really didn't want to seem like a lunatic with a child....
His drinking triggered even more reinforcement that i wasn't important. And I even tried pulling the guilt trip by saying I grew up with an alcoholic...which is true and I needed to make peace with that.....& most of all his staying out late was a big issue....
And all the while he just wanted to have fun. It had nothing to do with me, really.I just didn't know how to communicate...how to say my true feelings, or how to be really vulnerable.But how could I, I didn't even know where to begin. Sure Gabe could've helped by reassuring me, but that's not his responsiblity.
As I reflect back, I see that I played a major part in his actions energetically, and I drew to me what I feared the most. I remember one day in 2005 he said to me.."be your own best friend" at that time I was like ...Huh? "whatever???be....your own best friend? get out of town! he must be high... it was as if he was speaking a different language. I took it into consideration though...with an open heart... I jumped in and the first book ...I dipped myself into was none other than "Be your own best friend." -Louis Proto
In 2007 I found myself at the right place at the right time. At Maui's only Island Spirit Yoga.
Liah Howard was hosting an introduction to Channeling. From that night on i was committed to "healing my perception"....
In the meantime I had a lot of growing up to do. I was definately challenged not only in my relationship, but relationship with myself, relationship with money, relationship with work, and everything else in between...
But none the less I am forever grateful, for the lessons I have learned, & still learning!... I humbly give thanks to all of my experiences, family, friends and loved ones...
Thank you for allowing me to share....
May all of you who read this remember the magnificent being that resides within you, may you know peace, self love,
& joy. Butterfly kisses..... namaste!
