Dec.2009
My name is Kito. I am getting to know me. I have issues at the moment…I have had them for a while, and the truth is I was not willing to own these feelings, and now I know I was only going against myself and recklessly hurting loved ones around me...
First off I must admit that feeling independent is huge for me, it scares me to think or feel restricted in some way…
---(note to self) Feeling and being independent is 2 different things...
Lately I've been having issues in my relationship and I've been trying to run away AGAIN. Feeling hopeless in a situation makes me uneasy because I'm not in control, and I can't fix the situation, (masculine moves?)therefore it is easier, to run away from it yes?.......
I've hurt my loved one, and now when the pressures on, I want to run, believing if I left it would be easier. ...and to top it off ...I've always felt this...Deep yearning to experience what it’s like to be on my own, why??? because the truth is I want to know who i am unto myself...I know this sounds insane but this is true for me.....(yes, it could just be because I'm selfish, true)...
I have always had a struggle between my mind, and my heart...
It feels like 2 completely different people residing in one body!...it shows up as issues with making up my mind and sticking to something I've committed to...…I can't help it if I like weighing out all the pros and cons...But then I sit on the side lines hoping that things will magically happen, and situations suddenly disappear.
I fill my mind with things to do so I don't have to deal with it.-masking my insecurity..but really I'm just putting more pressure in a bomb that will eventually explode!...
This is the root of my anxiety- not being able to trust my self. able to feel confident and good about making up my mind.
I then investigated why I've stayed in this relationship for almost 8yrs now?) well, I'm very willing to be in a relationship...Ilove the family life, the closeness, the security of knowing that i am loved for, and cared for..but at times I like being alone...again double feelings...so do you see how to halves of my body works...
One wants to be here and can appreciate the family life, while the other half values time for self.My challenge is to integrate and balance these energies...within my self and to work out old beliefs that no longer serve me.
I need to fully appreciate the gifts that I have been given...
able to see 2 sides of a story..., and love the life I have been blessed to be in!!!
So now that I have the consciousness to acknowledge these energies, and shine light upon them, I am willing to plow through them striving to be truly present in the now.
But all things are easier said than done right?
Note to self...no matter what is happening inside or outside myself I am okay just as I am, I am who I am, how I am!!!
Namaste!
